The title of this little blog is “Emily Awake.” It wasn’t my first choice, not by a long shot, but it turns out my ideal name had already been taken. Thanks, WordPress. So I chose this name instead, and I have a feeling it will turn out to be auspicious in its own way.
For a large part of my life I was very sad, confused, depressed, aching, hurting in my whole being. I didn’t understand why things were the way they were, or how to change my circumstances. I couldn’t express how I felt or name my demons. My purpose in life was shrouded. I avoided the pain. Everything seemed meaningless or just another pathway to un-fulfillment.
But recently, I have… awakened.
Well, when I put it that way, it sure seems like my life is a shining beacon of driven purpose and meaning. And in a way, it is. What happened was that through a series of events, I “woke up” to the ticking of the world: the endless patterns and interweaving lives, the complete interconnectedness of being, the fact that we all matter and have a place in the universe. I discovered that God really does exist, but not in the storybook, reserved way I’d grown up believing.
And in another way, my life makes no sense and is a complete mess. I barely have my shit together, being a new mom and all. Things happen that I have no control over – scary things, bad things, overwhelming things, shocking things, and beautiful things. The difference is that my perspective has changed, and what used to look like a big scary mess now is an expected unpredictable kaleidoscope of life-changing events.
I am awake.